i just want to love. i want someone to love me. not in a familial, platonic way. in a romantic, iwritesongsaboutyou moviesmakemethinkofyou mypoetrysurroundsyou kind of way. i graduated highschool yesterday and i realized no one is crazy about me, and that’s fine. that’s life. i’m not crazy about too many people either. but if i could have someone crazy about me, someone in love with me, someone who i could return the feelings to, i’d have him in a heartbeat. i’m so tired of being the second rate whore. the girl who your ex-boyfriend fucked twice and never spoke to again afterward. the girl who sexted her ex while he had a girlfriend. the girl who has kissed 28 (count ‘em, 28) guys in her little 18 years of living. i’m so tired of having this shit self esteem that drives me to do things that make me think less of myself every moment. i’m just tired. i want love. strong love. i’m tired of caring about these people who don’t think twice about me. i’m tired of feeling insignificant and alone. my heart just hurts so much. it hurts all the time. a girl wrote in my yearbook that i deserve to be happy so why the hell can’t i just be it? a boy once told me i destroyed myself because i let others destroy me. he told me i deserve better. so why haven’t i gotten better? why is it always worse and worse and worse? why is it that the people who i think are good for me are always the people who’ve been the worst? the root of this problem is me and i just can’t stand this anymore. i need to get out. i need to rip off my skin and set it on fire or something. i need to find some type of courage to just let go. i need my balls back.
i’m done with this blog. i have nothing more to say or feel or do. i need to figure myself out. i don’t want to burn out.
I just graduated. forget my last post. I feel empty.
all these people are depressed as fuck that we’re graduating tomorrow. i’m just beyond excited.